Taco Rangers
by Loveon
Summary: It was just a normal night at the Ranger Union. Until Kellyn got a horrible, horrible craving for... tacos. And so the journey begins.


Author's Notes: Or as I like to call this; Writing While You're Sleepy but Hyper. In other words, crack.

I got this idea from a website I was on. I think it was F*ck Yeah Character Development? The prompt was about bros going on a 2 AM adventure. And thus, this was born.

Yeah. Don't take any of this seriously. As you can tell, I put a _lot_ of thought into the title for this.

* * *

**Taco Rangers**

It started late at night at the Ranger Union. It was the beginning of the end. It was...

"Psst, Keith."

Sleeping in a small beds, covers tightly wrapped around the sleeping form there, a pillow over his head, was a boy. The boy grunted at the sound of his name being said, and turned over, clapping a hand over the pillow to silence the voice.

"Keith. Keeeeiiith."

Nothing.

Then the boy flew out of the bed and crashed to the floor. In a second, he was awake, struggling to get free of the blankets, all while trying to focus on his surroundings.

He froze, trying to catch his breath, and turned around. At the bed next to his sat another boy, with brown hair, a tuft that stuck up in the back.

"Kellyn? The hell, man, I was having an awesome dream."

"Yeah, so was I, but then, tacos."

Keith stared at him.

"...Uh... what?"

"Tacos, Keith. Tacos. My dream told me to get tacos, and now I'm really wanting some tacos."

"...Kellyn. Were you smoking something random you found outside again?"

"What, no, not since that incident with Murph and that funky grass, no."

"Then what the hell are you talking about?"

Kellyn leaned forwards, eyes wide. "Tacos, Keith. I have a horrible craving for tacos. And not the tacos that Wendy attempts to make. I'm talking real tacos. From a restaurant."

Keith had a number of things he wanted to say to this, but he didn't want to argue with Kellyn right now. Besides, there were other people sleeping in the room.

Keith gathered up his blankets, set them back on the bed, and lay back down.

He didn't get too far into falling back asleep when he had the oddest feeling that someone was dangerously close to his face.

Keith slowly opened his eyes and turned to the side.

Kellyn was laying in bed next to him.

"SHIT, KELLYN!"

"Tacos, Keith."

Several grunts and groans went throughout the room. Keith cringed, then clapped a hand over Kellyn's mouth. Kellyn was giving him that moronic grin he gave him when... oh, wait, when he did everything.

"Fine. We'll go get some tacos. But this is the only time I'm doing this for you, understand?"

"_Tacos."_

Apparently, tacos was the only word in Kellyn's vocabulary at the moment.

Keith got out of bed, hurrying to pull on some random clothes. Not his Ranger uniform, though. That was strictly for work use. Believe it or not, but Keith didn't like wearing his uniform when he wasn't doing work.

He turned around to find Kellyn in the female Ranger uniform.

Keith stared.

"...Kellyn?"

"Yeah?"

"...Why are you wearing a girl's uniform?"

Kellyn looked down at himself.

"Oh. Guess I must've gotten it mixed up with Kate's uniform or something. We're very similar in size, you know."

Keith was unsure about who would should take more offense to this comment; Kellyn or Kate. When he thought about the two and their personalities, Keith decided that neither would be offended by this. They were both morons, of different levels, of course.

"Let's just go and get some tacos," Keith said in a hushed voice. "I'm sure Pueltown sells them–"

"Kellyn? Keith? What're you two doing?"

Keith froze. He gulped and slowly turned around to find the Ranger Sven sitting straight up in bed, staring at them through half-closed eyes.

"Uh–"

"Tacos, Sven, tacos," said Kellyn.

Sven squinted at Kellyn. "...What?"

"WE ARE GETTING SOME TACOS!" Kellyn screamed. Keith dove at him, slapping his hands over his mouth.

Murph was up in an instant. "Did someone say tacos?"

Oh, good Arceus.

So Keith, Kellyn, Sven, and Murph left the Ranger Union, starting off through the night to get some tacos in Pueltown.

Things just went downhill from there.

"So, wait..." Sven said. "Why are we getting tacos?"

"It's that time of the month for Kellyn again," Keith said. "He's craving tacos."

"Guys?" Murph said.

"I've never heard of someone getting taco cravings at two in the morning."

"Well, it's Kellyn. What did you expect?"

"Guys?" Murph said.

"Might as well as get some tacos for ourselves," Sven said.

"Yeah."

"Uh, guys?" Murph said again.

"What, Murph?" Keith spun around to look at the guy-with-no-real-occupation.

Then he saw that Kellyn was gone.

"...Where the hell did Kellyn go?"

"I don't know. He was there one minute, and then he wasn't, and–"

"TACOOOOOS," a voice said from within the surrounding forest.

The three of them stared at the trees.

Five minutes later, they were roaming through the forest in search of Kellyn.

"Should've stolen Wendy's Staraptor to get to Pueltown..." Keith heard Sven mutter.

"And risk Wendy murdering us? No thanks," Keith said.

"TACOOOOOOOS," Kellyn's voice said from further behind them.

Keith straightened up and turned around. "...How did he get behind us? Murph, I told you to keep watch for him!"

"I _was!"_ Murph said. "He just–"

"TACOOOOOOOOOOOOS," Kellyn's voice said from their left.

"Okay, what the fu–"

"We'll catch him," Sven said. "With our Stylers."

Keith gave him that look especially reserved for Kellyn and his taco cravings.

"Capture Stylers only work on Pokémon."

"No one's ever tried it out on a human, though!"

Well, when he put it like that...

The three of them slowly crept through the forest. Keith wasn't sure of how far they were from the main road, but he knew it didn't matter. They would find their way back, after they had Kellyn bound a smidgeon on the tight side.

Slowly, Keith emerged from the trees to find himself at a river. And dancing through the river, completely nude, was Kellyn.

"Tacotacotaco," Kellyn said.

Keith didn't even know what to say.

"All right!" Sven said. "Capture on!"

"No, wait!"

A Capture Disc flew through the air and whizzed past Kellyn's bare behind. Kellyn's head snapped up, and he stared at them.

"HAI, GUYS!" he said.

The disc spun around him, made a complete loop, and then it electrocuted him.

Keith watched as a naked Kellyn fell down into the river, face first. No one even bother to move to go and remove him before he drowned.

Finally, Keith realized that Kellyn probably was drowning and hurried to pull him out of the water. He dragged him up on shore and dropped him to the grass.

"Well, at least I got him," Sven said.

"Got him? You probably just _killed_ him," Keith said.

Sven said nothing.

Keith heard something crunching and turned to look at Murph, who was busy eating nuts.

"Murph! Where the _hell_ did you get those from?"

"I found 'em," Murph said around a mouthful of nuts. "In the forest. Want some?"

"Murph?" Sven said.

"Yeah?"

"I recognize those nuts. Those are poisonous."

Murph stopped mid-bite.

"P... Poisonous?"

"Yeah. Toxic. To humans. You aren't supposed to eat them."

Murph looked as though he didn't know what to do now. Honestly, not even Keith knew what to do. Kellyn was naked and possibly dead, Murph just ate poisonous nuts, Keith had the oddest feeling that Sven was slowly losing his sanity, and Keith... well, it seemed as though Keith was the only sane man.

"What do we do about Kellyn's clothes?"

"Give him your shirt," Sven said.

"No, _you_ give him your shirt."

"That'll cost you three fiddy."

So Keith gave Kellyn his shirt and carried him through the forest. They finally made it back to the main road, and Keith was about to decide to bring Kellyn back to the Union in hopes that Kellyn would remain unconscious when, unfortunately, Kellyn regained consciousness.

The first words out of his mouth, "Tacos?"

And the journey was on again.

Everything was dark out. There were no Pokémon or people to speak of. Everyone was fast asleep at this time, and technically, Keith should have been too, but noooo, Kellyn had to get a taco craving at TWO O' CLOCK IN THE FREAKING MORNING.

Keith found himself bothered by many things. One, he was shirtless. Two, his shirt was a tad too short for Kellyn, so Keith had an unfortunate view of Kellyn's behind as he happily skipped ahead of them.

Three, Murph was still eating the poisonous nuts.

Wait...

Keith smacked the nuts out of Murph's hands. "Sven told you those were poisonous!" he shouted. "Why are you eating them?"

"But they taste delicious!" Murph whined.

Kellyn was suddenly right behind Keith. "You know what else is delicious?" he asked.

Keith rolled his eyes. "Let me guess: tacos."

He was unprepared for the punch in the face from Kellyn. As Keith lay on the ground, trying to wrap his mind around why Kellyn just punched him, Kellyn screamed, "YOU STOLE MY PUNCHLINE! I'M A KILL A BITCH NOW!"

"Guys, guys!" Murph shouted. He pointed ahead of them. "LOOK! It's–"

Kellyn suddenly took in a deep breath and spun around. "Tacos!"

Keith sat up, watching as the three others rushed off to a... taco... bus... sitting in the middle of the dirt road.

Okay. _That_ wasn't there this morning.

"Guys?" Keith shouted. "I don't think you should–"

"_Hola, amigos!"_ a girl said. "Dinner for three?"

"Make it four," Sven said. He pointed at Keith, laying there on the ground.

"Make it five," Kellyn said, narrowing his eyes. "I think Kate wanted tacos, too, but she decided to give them to me."

"Dinner for five, then," the girl said. "Oi, dinner for five!" she shouted to someone in the back.

Keith finally managed to get up. He slowly made his way to the bus that sat right in the middle of the road.

"Guys?" he said. "You realize how insane this is, right?"

"TACOOOOOS," Kellyn said. Once again, he had returned to knowing only one word: taco. Oh, and tacos. Two words. He was such a smart boy.

"You smell that, Keith?" Sven said. He took in a deep breath. "Tacos. Man, I haven't had tacos since that time Wendy poisoned us all with her tacos."

Keith took in a deep breath as well. A variety of smells invaded his nose. Well, it certainly smelled like real tacos. Actually, he was pretty hungry...

The girl set down a tray full of tacos to them. Kellyn took the tacos and started eating two of them, standing right there.

"TACOS," he said.

Murph took a few tacos and started munching on them as well. "TACOS," he said.

And Keith had a sinking feeling that he knew what was going to happen next as Sven took a bit of a taco, looked at Keith, and said...

"TACOS."

Keith stared doubtfully at the tray of tacos. There was absolutely no way that a taco _bus_ would be sitting here in the middle of the road, open at two in the morning, serving tacos to a kid in nothing but a shirt, a cowboy, and a guy who definitely didn't need to eat tacos.

"Have one, Keith," Sven said, holding out a taco to him. "THEY'RE DELICIOUS."

"...Uh, no thanks," Keith said.

Kellyn, Murph, and Sven stopped chewing. They turned to look at Keith.

"Keith," Kellyn said, sounding very, very serious. "Keith," he repeated. "Keith."

"What?"

"You," he said. "WILL SIT DOWN AND EAT A GOD DAMN MOTHER [insert word of your choice here] TACO!"

"What?! What was with the [insert word of your choice here]?!" Keith shouted back.

And suddenly, tacos started flying from the bus. They assaulted Keith with their spicy meat, lettuce, cheese, and other various toppings. Some were hard-shelled, others soft. But he was facing a taco assault.

It was The Taco Assault.

Keith crashed to the ground, guarding his face from the incoming Taco Assault. Suddenly, there was a weight on him, and he uncovered his face to see Kellyn sitting atop him, taco in hand.

"EAT IT," he said.

"NO!"

"EAT IT," Kellyn said.

"_NO!"_

"EAT THE GOD DAMN [baaaaaah] TACO!"

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT IN THE MIDDLE?!"

Kellyn smashed the taco against Keith's face. The shell broke, spilling the contents of the taco across Keith's face. Keith kept his mouth tightly locked, refusing to allow the suspicious taco to enter his mouth.

And, come on. What wasn't suspicious about tacos flying from a bus when no one was even throwing them?

"Kellyn, get off me!" Keith shouted.

"EAT THE MOTHER [mooooo] TACO!"

"NEVER!"

Murph and Sven started to make bizarre noises and dancing around. Kellyn continued to smash random tacos against Keith's face.

But Keith wouldn't give in. He would prevail against The Taco Assault. For he... he was KEITH!

"I'M NOT EATING THE TACOOOOOO!" Keith shouted. He shoved Kellyn off of him, rolled, and then tackled Kellyn to the ground.

"EAT THE TACO!" Keith now shouted, grabbing a taco from the ground – a soft one! – and slapped Kellyn across the face with it.

Murph's and Sven's dancing and noise-making became increasingly frantic.

Keith smacked Kellyn's face, back and forth, with the soft taco.

And suddenly, the taco was gone. And in Keith's hand was a large leaf, wrapped around blades of grass.

The noise-making and taco tossing stopped.

Sven was the first to recover. Slowly, he lowered his raised arms, looking slightly bothered. "...Something really weird just happened, didn't it?"

"Uh." Keith got off Kellyn, who was still moving his head back and forth as though he was being smacked. "Yeah. Something _really_ weird just happened."

"Guuuyyys." Murph groaned, clapping a hand over his mouth and wrapping another around his stomach. "I don't feel too good."

The taco bus was gone. There were many leaves lying on the ground, and blades of grass.

"Maybe we should just go back to the Union..." Sven said.

"...No," Keith said. He pulled up Kellyn from the ground, pulling his shirt down to cover Kellyn's private delicates. "No," he repeated.

He turned to Sven. "We. Are going to get some freaking tacos, or I'm going to kill Kellyn and blame it on you."

"Me?! What do I have to do with it?"

"I don't know. I'll figure it out. But you're going to be the culprit unless we get some tacos in Pueltown."

And so, their journey continued.

They made it into Pueltown without any other bizarre incidents. Kellyn was being surprisingly obedient as he walked alongside Keith, Sven, and Murph, the latter who was groaning like a dying Wailord. Well. It wasn't too far from the truth.

They wandered through the streets of Pueltown. There weren't many people out in the streets, since it was probably past three by now.

Finally, Keith spotted it. The bright lights, spicy smells, and the sign that read, "TACO ON-THE-GO."

"Finally..." Keith panted, stumbling towards the building. "Finally."

"TACOOOOOS!" Kellyn screamed.

"I didn't know there was a taco restaurant in Pueltown," Sven said. Sven was a wise man indeed.

"I think I'm dying," Murph groaned.

They opened the door to the restaurant and walked inside.

Keith came to a halt right there in the restaurant.

"Oh, Keith!"

Kate stood there, receiving a couple of wrapped up tacos from the man behind the front counter. "What're you doing here?"

Also joining Kate were Rhythmi, Wendy, and a few other female operators he didn't recognize.

"F... Funny story," Keith said. "You see, Kellyn here–"

"TACOOOOS," Kellyn said.

"Wanted some tacos, so we went to go get some, and–"

"Why is Kellyn not wearing any pants?" Wendy asked.

"Where's your shirt?" Rhythmi asked.

"Kellyn's wearing my shirt," Keith said. "And Kellyn... well... let's just say a lot of weird things happened. Let's just get some tacos now."

Keith paid for tacos for the four of them and sat down at a table there. As Keith slowly began eating the taco – a real one, not a fake whatever-the-hell-that-was taco, he heard a bell go off as the front door opened.

Professor Hastings and Chairperson Erma entered the restaurant.

Everyone went silent and stared at them.

"I had the oddest dream," Professor Hastings said, looking around at them in a daze. "I had the oddest dream that I really needed to go get some tacos or some kind of calamity would befall the world."

Keith didn't know what to say. He turned to Kellyn, who was staring at his own taco blankly.

Kellyn looked up at Keith, a pained expression on his face.

"Keith?"

"What?"

"I don't think I want tacos anymore."

Keith lunged across the table and started choking Kellyn.

* * *

That day, a tradition was set in place.

Anytime someone had a dream involving tacos, everyone in the Union was required to go to Pueltown and get some tacos.

And god damn it, they would enjoy those tacos.

Oh, and Murph?

The nuts passed through safely, albeit with some unfortunate stomach pains.

Murph is a big supporter of the Taco Dream Tradition.

…

..

.

Keith would later on become the Taco President of the Ranger Union. He achieved this position thanks to his frequent nightmares about being chased by tacos, which apparently counts as dreaming of tacos, and thus requires everyone to go get tacos.

He hates tacos with a passion, and desperately tries to force the position onto someone else.

~End~

* * *

Author's Notes: ...I need to write more Pokémon Ranger crack. It just has so many possibilities for crack. Speaking of, I need to post that Ranger story I posted on Deviantart...

...*hinthint*goreaditthere*hinthint*


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